


Up To No Good

by Dollars_tore



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Celty finds the whole situation hilarious, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Honestly the Izamika only happens in the last section but I'm tagging it anyway, Izaya 'what is sleep?' Orihara, Izaya goes full conspiracy theorist, Mikado & Celty are cryptids, Other, Ryuugamine Mikado is a Little Shit, They have matching t-shirts, This fic took way too long, that's what I'm aiming for at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dollars_tore/pseuds/Dollars_tore
Summary: Izaya thought the only non-human he’d ever have to deal with was the headless rider (and a certain former bartender but that was a story for another time)…at least until one of his online ‘friends’ started acting suspicious.
Relationships: Orihara Izaya/Ryuugamine Mikado
Kudos: 25





	Up To No Good

**Author's Note:**

> Mikado accidentally tricks Izaya into thinking he’s not human…then it stops being an accident.
> 
> Also some of the messages are from Tumblr posts, if you recognise one please let me know so I can source it.

Okay in Mikado’s defence, he hadn’t _meant_ for this to happen. Was he going to enjoy every minute of it regardless? Hell. Yes.

***-* *-* *-***

**[Unnamed Chatroom]**

**TarouTanaka:** How uncomfortable is your meat-suit today?

What? Izaya blinked at his screen in confusion, quickly rubbing his eyes before reading the message a second time. No. No, he wasn’t going insane. Quirking a brow as he typed out a reply, he couldn’t help but wonder just who – or what – he’d decided to strike up a conversation with.

**Kanra:** meat-suit?

**TarouTanaka:** yeah, meat-suit, how is it?

That…that didn’t answer the question. He hesitantly lifted his half full mug to his face, cautiously sniffing it to make sure he hadn’t put any alcohol in it by accident ~~again~~ sighing in relief when he realised he hadn’t…so that either meant his ~~acquaintance~~ friend was either messing with them – doubtful considering Tanaka was usually oblivious to teasing unless it was pointed out – or they were hiding something.

**Setton:** meat-suit?

**Setton:** Did you mean “skin?”

**TarouTanaka:** yeah, that.

Okay, so he wasn’t the only one who had been confused, that was…good. Though the informant couldn’t help being suspicious, he knew who Setton was – and therefore knew she wasn’t human – so he would’ve understood if she had been the one to slip up…but Tanaka?

**Kanra:** what do you mean “uncomfortable”?

Uncomfortable…how could skin be uncomfortable? Sure, he understood the metaphorical meaning but if that was the message Tanaka was trying to convey they would’ve just come out – ha, he was a comedic genius – and said something, perhaps a bit awkwardly, but they wouldn’t have said anything as odd as that surely?

**TarouTanaka:** oh? Just me then?

No. Nope. Nada. He wasn’t dealing with this today. He didn’t spare another thought before shutting down his computer and downing the rest of his drink, hopefully things would make more sense in the morning.

***-* *-* *-***

Things did not, in fact, make more sense in the morning. Izaya blinked at his screen in confusion, he had a meeting in a few hours and merely loaded the chatroom up in an attempt to ease the boredom…he’d forgotten about the current mystery that was TarouTanaka.

**[Unnamed Chatroom]**

**TarouTanaka:** I want to take the skin off a Furby.

Wh- Okay, that comment felt strangely more ominous than the last one. Izaya furrowed his brow; idly tapping his desk as he internally debated whether or not it was worth replying.

**Kanra:** why???

**TarouTanaka:** I want to make him a God. Once he is free of his sinful flesh he can begin the path towards enlightenment. He will take care of Us.

Izaya didn’t even have time to unpack all of… _that_ before another message popped up.

**TarouTanaka:** Also I want to softhack his circuits.

It wasn’t enough to eliminate the – quite frankly – disturbing nature of the initial half of the reply but at least it was territory the informant was more familiar with. A quick glance at the time had him typing out a hasty reply before heading out.

**Kanra:** never say anything as frightening as that ever again.

Something told him that wouldn’t be the last of it.

***-* *-* *-***

The next incident didn’t happen until a few weeks later, something which Izaya was thankful for. Tanaka had been messaging the chatroom normally as opposed to the odd ramblings that the informant still found himself pondering when he had nothing else to do, so he was understandably unprepared for the message that greeted him after he’d finished off his work for the day.

**[Unnamed Chatroom]**

**TarouTanaka:** what city slickers don’t understand is that weird noises always come from the forest and we just ignore it.

He eyed the ellipses indicating Setton was typing before disappearing; he idly wondered why she’d stopped before shrugging it off in favour of reading the next message that had come through.

**TarouTanaka:** if you go out to investigate and get got then that is on you, ignore it and go back to sleep like a rational person.

How that managed to sound threatening the informant had no idea, the rapid flickering of the ellipses at the bottom of the screen didn’t help much. He ended up heading to bed early that night as well, he’d let Setton deal with their – apparently – cryptid friend.

***-* *-* *-***

There weren’t any more noteworthy moments in the chatroom for a while, other than a brief update from Tanaka informing them that he was moving to Ikebukuro – Izaya wasn’t entirely sure whether the chill he felt was out of fear or excitement – as well as a few questions about the local legends, it was a surprisingly nice change of pace.

He didn’t know who Tanaka was behind the screen – which is probably what made some of his comments so ominous now that he thought about it – but the timing of his announcement lined up conveniently with the first meeting he had with one of Kida’s old friends.

“Could it be…?” He trailed off, brow furrowed in thought. Other than the coincidental timing of their arrivals, there wasn’t really all that much linking Tanaka to Ryuugamine. Sure, they were both curious but they were also both new to Ikebukuro so he didn’t really have enough of a basis for his theory.

Well, he thought, there was only one way to find out.

***-* *-* *-***

Celty glanced at the apartment again, idly wondering whether or not this was a good idea. Mikado hadn’t seemed phased when he found out about her but that wasn’t really enough to prove that he himself wasn’t human, was it? She idly fiddled with her PDA as she walked up the steps leading to the teen’s door, ultimately deciding that she wouldn’t get any answers by just standing around. She knocked the door softly, already typing out a greeting while she waited for the boy to answer.

“Celty?” He looked confused, not that she blamed him.

[Can we talk?] He didn’t say anything but he did step aside to let her in. The apartment was as empty as she remembered it to be, though that didn’t seem to bother the teen.

“Was there something you needed?” He didn’t seem at all unnerved that she was there though whether or not that stemmed from his natural personality, she wasn’t entirely sure. Deciding that it would be easier to just say it, the dullahan typed out a quick message.

[Are you really human?]

Silence, then…

_“WHAT?!”_

***-* *-* *-***

“So…want to help me fuck with him?”

Well, it wasn’t everyday she got the chance to mess with Ikebukuro’s resident mischief maker.

[Where do we start?]

***-* *-* *-***

At this point Izaya didn’t know what to think anymore, it had been bad enough when it was just Tanaka sending disturbing messages, but Setton too? He was weighing up the pros and cons of going on a small holiday when the familiar notification sound pinged from his phone, he felt a small air of dread as he picked it up.

**[Unnamed Chatroom]**

**TarouTanaka:** tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

He didn’t know why Mikado wanted to know the name of god and at this point he was too afraid to ask; he watched the ellipses at the bottom of the screen and couldn’t help but wonder what knowledge the dullahan had on the subject.

**Setton:** can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters.

This was the most he’d ever seen her type, the informant read the message a few times before deciding it would probably be for the best to avoid the transporter for a day or two. He wasn’t sure why the two of them were fighting all of a sudden but he had enough survival instincts – stop laughing – to know that it would probably be wise to stay out of it, especially since he still didn’t know what was going on with Mikado.

**TarouTanaka:** I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

And that was enough internet for today. Izaya promptly tossed his phone onto the couch before heading out, maybe a small scrap with a certain former bartender would distract him for a bit.

***-* *-* *-***

**[Unnamed Chatroom]**

**Kanra:** do you ever wonder why people are so different to each other

**TarouTanaka:** because they have lots of different flavours

**Kanra:** what

**TarouTanaka:** what

The frustrated scream of everyone’s favourite – _cough_ most hated _cough_ – information broker could be heard from the opposite end of Ikebukuro. If anyone noticed a certain former bartender with a happy grin for the rest of the day they didn’t comment on it.

***-* *-* *-***

**[Cryptids]**

**Setton:** do you think we’re taking this too far?

**TarouTanaka:** no

**Setton:** …

**TarouTanaka:** :)

**Setton:** :)

***-* *-* *-***

It all ended a few weeks later; though it wasn’t because of anything Izaya himself had figured out. They met up in an alleyway near the dullahan’s apartment; two of them buzzing with far too much energy for this early in the morning, the third clearly having lived off caffeine for a week at least.

“So, you are human?” If anyone noticed the – frankly – deranged laughter coming from the alleyway, they didn’t say anything.

He’d known the young gang leader in front of him was impressive but, as he mentally found himself raising the bar, he couldn’t fight the admiring expression that was quickly forming on his face. He would blame his next words on his lack of sleep.

“Marry me.”

He’d mark the flustered expression on the boy’s face as sufficient payback.

***-* *-* *-***

They didn’t get married, no, because that was a dumb reason to get married – yeah, sure, that’s why – and Izaya didn’t want to be known as the guy who proposed in an alleyway while his bloodstream was at least 75% caffeine. That didn’t mean they weren’t close though.

He was finishing up an email to one of his clients – victims – when he was distracted by the badly muffled laughter coming from the teen who was half-way through some school work. He quirked a brow in confusion, only causing the small smile on the boy’s face to morph into a full on grin.

“Hey babe, remember when you thought I wasn’t human?”

His groan of despair was all it took for the muffled laughter to morph into a full-on chortle. Oh well, he’d get his revenge eventually…

Right?


End file.
